Conflict with Your Extended Family – Whose Side Are You on?
Not much causes a rise in blood pressure like family conflict. It gets incredibly more complicated as the challenges implicate your spouse. Drama with in-laws, sibling spats, estranged relationships, disconnection, the whole nine yards. And often, the way the drama is handled varies so greatly and is remarkably personal to the nuanced personalities involved. But common themes in how conflicts are handled is the classic brush-it-under-the-rug approach, the good ol’ passive aggressive, the avoidant, and the tell-it-like-it-is. I’m sure I’m forgetting a host of others, but these are certainly some common tactics of family issues.
The issues reach max intensity when it involves our spouse and our side of the family. Regardless of which end you’re on as the reader here, we can all agree that getting caught seemingly in the middle of this is exhausting.
It could start as something small—comments that didn’t sit right, misunderstandings, or differing expectations around holidays. Or it could be something more serious, like tension that has been brewing for years. Regardless of the details, one truth stands firm: your partner is your priority. Above all else. Your spouse is the one you go home with, the one you share every day with, the one you will spend your life with. Not your family. And while family relationships matter tremendously, it’s critical you keep this perspective if you ever have hopes of resolving differences.
Let’s breakdown a couple of reasons why this is the case:
Marriage Means a Shift in Loyalties
When you got married, you didn’t just add a person to your family—you created a new one. You and your wife are now the foundation of a new family unit. That shift doesn’t mean you stop loving or honoring your parents, siblings, or extended relatives. But it does mean that their opinions and preferences no longer come before the health and unity of your marriage.
It’s critical that your wife (or husband) knows—especially during times of family tension—that you are on her side. Not because she’s always perfect. Not because she’ll never be wrong. But because you made a covenant to love, protect, and prioritize her above all others.
You Are Her Defender
In conflict, your wife may feel outnumbered, misunderstood, or even attacked. That’s when your role becomes clear: you are her voice and her defender. If there's tension with your parents or siblings, she shouldn’t have to face it alone. You step in, not to escalate conflict, but to stand with her and help bring resolution with maturity and unity.
This doesn’t mean you ignore real issues. There will be times when your wife may need to reflect on her own approach, and that’s where honest, loving conversation comes in—privately, between the two of you. But in public and especially in front of family, your posture should be one of loyalty, covering, and protection.
Worth considering…it would be naïve to think that our spouse doesn’t have a role to play in the conflict (regardless of what it is). However, to choose sides against her (or him) in the midst of the conflict is not the right approach. Conversations like this are between the two of you, and should remain that way. If you as a spouse feel that there is some ownership in the tension on your wife or husband, you discuss that in private. Develop your approach together, work things out together, and then re-engage the next time with the broader family.
Unity Is the Goal
The ultimate goal isn’t to take sides for the sake of pride—it’s to build and preserve oneness in your marriage. Unity doesn’t mean avoiding conflict; it means handling it with love, clarity, and commitment to one another. When your wife knows you have her back, she can face difficult moments with confidence. And when your family sees your unwavering loyalty, it sets a boundary they’re more likely to respect. Yes, it may lead to a deeper conversation with the family involved, but it may also lead to a resolution.
A Challenge for Husbands & Wives
So here’s the challenge: the next time conflict with family arises, ask yourself who you're standing with. Are you minimizing your wife’s feelings to keep the peace? Are you letting old loyalties dictate your responses? Or are you stepping into the role of protector and leader, even when it’s uncomfortable?
Being a husband means putting your wife first—not just in the good times, but especially in the tough ones.
She’s not just your spouse. She’s your family.
This is by no means a one-size fits all and it’s worth saying that there are ranging severities of family conflict. Very few if any are likely to resolve overnight. Some of the conflicts you’ve experienced may be so challenging that you need to seek professional help.
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