5 Common Reasons You're Not Having Sex in Your Marriage (And What to Do About It)
If you and your spouse aren’t having sex anymore, or not as frequently, you’re not alone. …but you’re also not doomed. It takes work to change this yes, and likely some tough conversations, but you can restore a healthy sex life in your marriage or start one if it’s never been there. Which brings up a good point we have to hit before we continue. Sexual intimacy within a marriage is highly personalized to every couple. So it’s critical that as you’re thinking about your sex life, you’re only comparing it what the TWO OF YOU desire. No one else matters. It’s a part of your marriage that is particular to you. It’s crucial to understand this upfront.
So, while there can be many factors at play, and identifying the root causes is the first step toward healing intimacy and rekindling connection.
Here are five of the most common reasons couples stop having sex—and what you can start doing to change it.
1. Emotional Disconnection
One of the biggest intimacy killers is a lack of emotional connection. Too often, this gets overlooked, especially amongst men, as compared to their wives who are generally more in tune here. When we’re not making love with our spouse the way we had been, emotional closeness is often at the root. If you and your spouse don’t feel emotionally close—if there's no open communication, vulnerability, or emotional attunement—physical desire can disappear as a byproduct.
We’re wired to connect first emotionally, especially in long-term relationships (aka marriage). Take time to talk, really listen, and share your inner world with your partner. Emotional closeness creates the foundation for physical intimacy to flourish.
2. Broken Trust or Safety Issues
Regardless of how long you’ve been married, sex requires vulnerability, and vulnerability only happens when you feel safe. This could be one or both spouses. If trust has been broken—whether through betrayal, dishonesty, or neglect—it must be addressed before intimacy can return. Rebuilding trust takes time, honesty, and in many cases, the help of a professional. Don’t sweep it under the rug or chalk it off. Acknowledge the pain, do the repair work, and slowly rebuild the safety net your marriage needs.
3. One-Sided Sexual Dynamics
If sex has become all about one person’s needs while the other simply obliges, that’s not healthy—and it won’t last. Sadly, this is a stereotype too many couples believe, and it usually isolates on men craving sex, while women are dismissive of it. This is just not true. Intimacy has to be mutual. And mutually pleasurable. Both partners should feel seen, valued, and respected. It’s not about “doing your duty.” It’s about genuinely serving and loving each other in ways that feel good and meaningful for both. Selfishness in the bedroom is a fast track to disconnection, (and sadly, can sow seeds of infidelity in the future).
4. Lack of Communication About Sex
It’s shocking how many couples never actually talk about sex. They assume, guess, or hope the other person will just “get it.” Or…they’re embarrassed and even with their spouse, discussing sex is taboo. But sex is too important—and too nuanced—for that. You have to talk about it. Share what you like, what you don’t like, what you need, and what feels off. Yes, it can feel awkward at first—but open communication is the gateway to a healthy sex life. And remember: respect your partner’s honesty when they do open up.
5. Physical or Medical Factors
Sometimes the issue can be physical. Hormonal changes, perimenopause, menopause, chronic stress, medical issues, or even lifestyle factors like excessive drinking or poor health can all interfere with desire and arousal. This is nothing to be dismissive over. Chemistry of our bodies create a natural change. You and your spouse need to be open about this and communicate with one another. If you suspect something physical is going on, seek medical or professional help. You deserve to understand your body and take steps to care for your health—for your sake and for your relationship.
Overall the topic of declining sex in marriage, is ripe with stereotypes and stigmas, (especially from disgruntled divorcees). It is imperative you don’t let other peoples negative opinion of sex within marriage sour your spirit about making changes. Don’t believe the lies and stereotypes from people whose opinions don’t matter.
So, whatever your reason, the key is to get curious, not critical. Figure out what’s really going on—for you, for your partner, and for your relationship. Then take active steps toward repair. Your sex life can improve. Your marriage can heal. It starts with awareness, honesty, and a shared commitment to reconnect.
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