How to Share Your Feelings with Your Partner: Tips That Actually Work

Sure, communication can be the lifeblood of any strong relationship, but let’s be honest—sometimes, our emotions get the best of us. At times we speak before we think, react before we reflect, and then are left wondering why our spouse didn’t “get” what we were trying to say.

Over the past 13 years, I’ve discovered a few practical communication tips that have helped me tremendously in moments of conflict or emotional overwhelm. If you’ve ever found yourself in the middle of an argument thinking, “Why aren’t they understanding me?”—this post is for you.

1. Pause and Process Before You Speak

Before jumping into a conversation about how you're feeling, give yourself a moment (or several) to process your thoughts. The goal is to identify what you’re feeling and why. Often, we start a conversation without fully understanding our own emotions. This makes it difficult—if not impossible—for our spouse to understand us, because we’re not even communicating clearly ourselves. 

A helpful tool I’ve leaned into is journaling. Write down what’s going on in your head. Are you hurt? Angry? Disappointed? Anxious? Getting clarity internally before seeking it externally can help your message come through in a way that’s much easier to receive. Another must-do, in the process “category” is to prayer. Often reflecting on your thoughts and emotions in quiet prayer can help level-set you prior to a conversation.

2. Get Calm First

If you approach your partner while still emotionally charged, there’s a good chance they’ll go into defensive mode. High emotional intensity can feel threatening. As a result, they may either shut down (“I can’t deal with this right now”) or match your intensity, escalating the situation into a full-blown argument. And you don’t have to be a marriage expert to know that neither of these outcomes is helpful at all.

So, take some time to calm down before addressing the issue. Pray, journal, breathe—do whatever helps you come back to a steady place. When you’re calmer, you’re more likely to speak thoughtfully, and your partner is more likely to listen with an open heart.

3. Understand Your Current Mindset

Speaking from the viewpoint of human psychology, when you’re in a state of high stress or emotional overload, your brain activates its “fight or flight” response. During this time, the prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for logic, reasoning, and thoughtful communication—begins to shut down. That means you’re literally less capable of expressing yourself clearly or even thinking rationally. 

Think for a minute about a heated situation at work? Does it ever go well if you immediately respond? Even an email written in a tense moment and state of emotion does not typically end in a good resolution. It’s nearly always best to take a few moments and think on a response tactfully. How much more important are the conversations and conflicts with our spouse?

So, if you’re in that state and try to have a serious conversation, chances are what you say won’t reflect what you actually mean. You may come off as aggressive, unclear, or overly emotional, which only confuses your partner further.

4. Keep It About You—Not Them

It’s tempting in the heat of the moment to throw blame: “You always…” or “You never…” But this only puts your partner on the defensive. Instead, focus on using “I” statements. For example: “I’m feeling hurt because I didn’t feel heard during that conversation,” or “I feel anxious when plans change suddenly.”

By making the conversation about your experience, you reduce the chances of your partner feeling attacked. It becomes an invitation to understand you, rather than a challenge to defend themselves.

If you’re struggling with this point, flip the script and think of a time when you’ve been approached this way? How did you handle it? If you’re like most of us, not very well. It’s only natural to get your back up when accusations are made. If you know how it feels, try your best not to do it yourself.

5. Avoid Name-Calling and Nastiness

No matter how upset you are, resist the urge to name-call or make nasty comments. These words can leave lasting scars and derail the conversation entirely. The goal is connection, not to win a battle. Even after an apology for a “slip-up” the wounds may still linger and cause pain to your partner. Keep your words kind, even when your emotions are intense.

While these communication tools aren’t magic, they’ve made a big difference in my own relationships. Try writing down your thoughts before talking, centering yourself emotionally, and being intentional with your words. You might be surprised by how much more productive—and loving—your conversations become.

Have you tried any of these tips before? What’s helped you communicate better in your relationships?