5 Conversations Every Couple Should Have Before Their 10th Anniversary
Every strong marriage depends on ongoing communication. This should be fairly obvious. Yet, after some length of time, many couples drift into autopilot—conversations reduce to the topics of kids, bills, and logistics, while neglecting deeper conversations that actually strengthen intimacy. It is essential to check in on the big topics that shape your future together. And while the 10-year timeline is arbitrary…ideally these conversations should have happened already and/or frequently. But, if you’ve not done it yet, then by year 10, these five conversations can help ensure your relationship stays aligned, intentional, and deeply connected.
1. Your Financial Philosophy
Money is one of the top stressors in marriage, but not because couples fight about numbers—it’s because they fight about values. Talk about your financial goals, spending habits, and views on debt. Are you savers or spenders? What does “financial security” mean to each of you?
Research from Ramsey Solutions shows that money fights are rarely just about money—they’re about communication. But talk about it regardless.
Consider using tools, apps, and countless suggestions (I’ve always been a fan or NerdWallet) to help align your money conversations around shared priorities.
2. The Vision for Family and Parenting
If you have children, your parenting approach directly shapes your marriage. Discuss what kind of family culture you want to create. Are things going how you had hoped or planned? Are you unified on discipline, education? Time devoted to kids v. marriage? Screen time? The Gottman Institute emphasizes that kids change not just your schedule but your emotional connection, too. No shocker if you’re a parent like us.
If you don’t have children, this is still an important conversation: Do you want them in the future? What legacy do you want to build together? According to Verywell Mind, understanding your parenting style can reveal how you each handle stress, boundaries, and love.
3. Balancing Independence and Togetherness
Every marriage needs connection of course. But also breathing room. Talk about this. How much time you each need alone versus together. Are there hobbies or friendships you’ve neglected? When you communicate openly about these rhythms, resentment doesn’t have a chance to take root. Remember, IF done right (and only if done right) a balanced healthy independence fuels deeper intimacy—not distance.
4. Handling Conflict Constructively
Conflict isn’t necessarily a sign of a bad marriage—it’s a sign of two people being honest. The difference between thriving couples and struggling ones is how they handle it. Do it the right way! Agree on ground rules for disagreements: no name-calling, no bringing up the past, and no silent treatment. Show respect, listen. We devoted an entire chapter to this in our book BTW, so this is clearly something we feel strongly about. The National University suggests developing conflict “timeouts” when emotions run high to protect the relationship instead of winning the argument.
5. Revisiting Faith, Purpose, and Legacy
Regardless of whether your beliefs and values change over time, faith and values are the bedrock of who you are as a person and within your relationship. Revisiting your shared sense of purpose and how faith shapes your daily life, is essential. This should happen often, so make it a habit moving forward. Are you living out what matters most to you? Focus on the Family notes that unresolved wounds from childhood often influence marriage patterns—discussing these can bring healing and unity. By reaffirming your shared mission, you create a foundation and roadmap for every season ahead.
Bonus, include your dreams in these conversations too. Where are you and your spouse heading? What’s on your 10 year plan together. Your 25-year plan. These things matter and create incredibly powerful moments of closeness, friendship and intimacy.
Marriage isn’t built on one big promise—it’s built on small, consistent conversations that keep you and your spouse aligned and your love refreshed. By intentionally talking through money, parenting, conflict, independence, and faith, you’re not just surviving another decade together—you’re building a marriage that thrives for decades to come.